#RealTalk: Adoption just isn't all rainbows and sunshine

What are your thoughts on adoption? 

Do you have even have any thoughts on adoption? Have you participated in adoption? 

Do you know anyone who has been adopted? 

Well... since you are reading this blog and (in a passive way, at least) "know" me, you can say you know someone who was (internationally) adopted because I was adopted.

That's me with my two older brothers way back when people used to do stuff like get their pictures printed. 

It has taken me over 35 years to really come to terms as much as be at peace with my own adoption and what probably hasn't helped is people's lack of empathy, sympathy and inability to be anything but admit that they truly have no idea what it really feels like and is like to be adopted.

And because I have done a ton of self-discovery in order to get to this point in my life, I (unlike too many who my heart really does go out to), can a lot more easily articulate what I have had to deal with when it comes to actually being adopted.

Here's some of what I (always) dealt with being an adoptee (of the international sort)...
  • Before I had my only child, I never knew anybody of my own flesh, blood, genetic code. That means I have gone my entire life not knowing what I would look like when I would get older or maybe even what sort of medical malaise I might be heading toward. 
  • I have had every other color of person make fun of me and the way my eyes look (or don't look), pretend like they speak "my" language (when I don't even speak that language), and/or make assumptions of me and "my" culture that I have come to verify as wrong almost all the time. 
  • Because of how I look, I (as a person) have been the object of people's fetishes whether it's men (or even women, for that matter) that make disgusting assumptions about who I am and what I will be willing to do for them - and, yes, I do mean both men AND women. And I also mean in the ways that are probably making you very uncomfortable as much as the most every day ways that you probably don't even think about. For example: when I was a child, calling me a "china doll." (Note: as far as I know, I am not from China and where I actually might be from doesn't really matter and you are missing the point)
  • I have always been told how "lucky" I am to be adopted. Always. And this has happened just as often as people insulting me and saying I was adopted because my biological parents didn't me and that's actually something that may or may not be true according to the circumstances of how I came to be adopted. (I'll go into the details of this at some point.)
  • If/when I have expressed interest/sorrow/curiosity/anger, etc. about being adopted, I am almost always redirected to be told how I should feel instead. One really appalling example is when an ordained pastor actually told me once that he (too) knows exactly what it is like to be adopted (just like me) because "...[we] are ALL adopted in Christ." I actually had to walk away from that ^^^ conversation as fast as I possibly could because I don't care how/what the intent was for that pastor and what they were getting at. Do not EVER do that to an adoptee because it invalidates so many things that should NEVER be invalidated. 

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The aforementioned list of items isn't even exhaustive by any stretch.  It's just the first stuff that has come to mind.

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Every adoption and adoptee's account (whether it's a domestic or an international adoption) is different.  Ultimately though? There are plenty of things about actually being adopted that people couldn't possibly know how to articulate, want to deal with, or try and bring up in REAL conversation because of everybody else. 

Sadly, because this sort of real problem of not being able to discuss things actually does exist, adoption(s) on the whole end up always being about everyone else but the actual adoptee. And why? Because they "should" always "feel" so very "blessed, chosen, lucky" and on and on and on. 

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One of my very favorite books about the whole thing of actually being adopted is this book:

https://amzn.to/2KpLLk5
It's one that I have read over and over again since I stumbled upon it when I was in my 20s.  So much of what is written on it's pages is validating in so many ways. It has also been the key for me to help negotiate the process of dealing with myself (as an adoptee) better than any therapy I have ever been subjected because it would "help" me according to other people who are not/were not adopted. 

Be forewarned that the book is very dense in what it offers. You can't just speed read through it and have that be it. There are parts of it that require revisiting if you are really going to fully get what it's trying to say. It requires very deep cognitive rumination and contemplation. 

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And why do I bring this all up? Because there is ALWAYS a reason why I put stuff on this blog because I don't share/do stuff for no reason. There is ALWAYS a reason why for things. 

Well, I won't say it outright, but I have an inkling that adoption (or at least foster care) might end up becoming a major issue at hand very very soon because of this.

It's a very touchy subject (I know).

Still, just like with the touchy subject of adoption itself (as detailed this blog post) touchy subjects ought to be handled with care

Let me say that again:

Touchy subjects ought to be handled with care



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